Spring is here. Or should I say that spring is supposed to be here, because this thing masquerading as spring is doing a poor impersonation.
It's like a bad skit on SNL, where you know who the cast member is supposed to be sending up, but the impression is not even close.
Speaking of SNL, you know once President Obama is out of office, one of the black guys on SNL will be dropped from the show. U.S. Presidents are such a frequent target of SNL skits, that Obama probably gives Lorne Michael a reason to keep Jay Pharaoh on the show.
Dude better hope Corey Booker gets a surprise nomination or he could quickly find himself back on the standup grind or getting turned out by Madea in Big Momma's House.
Anyway, spring is finally here, or rather it's supposed to be here. I'm wearing winter hats and wool scarfs in the spring like an Olsen twin running to get coffee, even though the sun is shinning so bright it's blinding me through my sunglasses.
That level of sun should not be accompanied by this level of cold. This current rendition of spring is like Zoe Saldana playing Nina Simone... it just makes no sense and it's not even close. But thankfully it's going away soon or at least that's what Al Roker was saying the other morning.
Although it's currently acting very bizarre, spring really does have a lot going for it. This winter was so harsh in Brooklyn, that the outcry for the arrival of spring has never been so loud. Usually people are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Summer, but suddenly, Spring is getting a starring role and it's completely dropping the ball at the moment.
It has so many positive attributes that listing them would be laborious, but spring is still not really loved. Many people just consider it the gateway season to summer, which just burns my insides like taco tasting, acid reflux.
If you've read my Uncontrollable Urges blog, you may have come across the piece I wrote about the summer and how the summer sucks and we don't care. We love the summer.
Can't wait for the summer. Rappers own the summer and blah blah blah the summer. But this love is in SPITE of the fact that it's oppressively hot, street violence spikes, the city smells like a butt sandwich on focaccia and sex is sometimes out of the question because of the humidity.
The summer has sooooo much going against it and people still love it, my conclusion being, it must have R. Kelly doing its PR. Only the R. Kelly agency can make people forget about all the horrible stuff and focus their attention on only the good things.
Which leads me to the reason for writing this piece:...Spring needs to get some P.R.
If it worked for the Summer it will probably work for the Spring because it really needs to change people's perceptions. Spring has a lot of internal schizophrenia going, so a little self-reflection could be important to changing its image.
Is spring the cornball season that marks the beginning of "America's Pastime", because nobody really gives a flying fig newton about baseball. In fact, last spring, I yawned really hard and somehow got transported to a Mets game like Beast from X-Men.
Spring is also associated very closely with allergies and allergies are closely associated with swollen eyes, itchy throat, extreme cussing and a sudden desire for self beheading.
To many people, spring is tornado season, so for folks living in Texas, Florida, or anywhere in that Tornado Alley, spring also means mayhem and destruction, which surely wouldn't be listed in the "positive attributes" column.
Hell, tornadoes are even reaching NYC now and though I'm not sure if it's because of global warming or global cooling, on Spring's behalf, I'll say that at least it doesn't bring hurricanes like the fall. See how easy that was?
Sometimes with PR, you have to toss the hot potato to somebody else, like hanging Autumn out to dry because of those horrible hurricanes! Now, nobody is thinking about tornadoes.
Though Spring's problem isn't so severe that it needs to hire Olivia Pope's agency, it is to the point where both a plan, and it's proper execution, is needed. Truthfully, it would be awesome to hire a "fixer", who gallivants purposefully through life, dressed stunningly in a white pantsuit, while juggling the fate of the free world and chugging happy-hour levels of red wine, without breaking a sweat or earning a stain; but that's expensive and spring don't really have that type of paper.
Since spring is like the little sister of summer, the angle could be that it needs to come out of summer's shadow and grow up. Maybe Spring needs to hire the Miley Cyrus agency to chaperone the process of changing people's perception, make the world think of spring, not as the little season, but a grown up season, with grown up season parts.
Maybe Spring needs to have a saucy photo shoot with Terry Richardson in which she poses without any clouds or maybe get a skull tat on her low pressure system and let the agency leak the pics and the name of the tattoo artist. The Miley agency would be perfect for that.
I used to date a girl that loved going to Prospect Park in the Spring time, even though her allergies would act up like a hyper kid off the Ritalin. Her body was screaming bloody murder but she just loved the transformation that nature undergoes in April and May, so she dealt with it.
That's strong. Spring's beauty is so strong that it compels people to forego their physical comfort and witness its glory. Now, perhaps this girl was the only nut-ball willing to brush their eyeballs with sandpaper or rip out their throat with a rusty metal object, but if it's that powerful for even one person, it's quite frickin' powerful.
So the beauty of nature is probably the key message to drive home about spring, not to slut it up and soft dagger dance with married men on award shows. With that in mind, it's quite obvious who this job calls for, because the current patron saint of nature and beauty is the actress Lupita Nyong'o.
Come to thing about it, Lupita can actually personify spring because of the nature and beauty connection. I'm not sure if Spring is as smart as Lupita, because Ms Nyong'o went to Hampshire College and got her MFA at Yale, but if she had any sense, the Lupita agency would definitely be high on her list.
Perhaps she doesn't actually need an outside PR agency, perhaps Spring could simply take on a thousand, unpaid, PR interns and let them go buck wild, on a hashtag mission from hell, across every social networking platform.
#SpringIsKing #SpringHasSprung #SpringIsBeautiful #SpringFling #SpringIsForLovers# ItsASpringThingSummerWouldntUnderstand #SummerIsWeirdAndSweaty #SummerHasCooties #SpringRules #IsItSpringYetOrNah #DoItForTheSpring
- Hi, I sting and pollenate
Whichever direction spring takes, I just want the weather to improve. There are bikes to ride, kites to fly, beds to be slept on with just the top sheet and feelings of renewal to be had. Spring is in the air bringing love and flowers, birds, bees and sycamore trees...
I hope we get a chance to enjoy it before the summer turns livery cabs into mobile, funk assault units.
BRING IT.
