By James Seaton
I recently went on the first date I had been on in four years with a medium-height, Nigerian-American beauty. Let's call her "Blessing." I wore a fresh pair of ripped white pants I had worn only one other time in high school and unconsciously styled a black-and-white flower dress shirt in the most conservatively flirty way: with the top two buttons unbuttoned. I bought a card for her birthday, which was that week, and wrote a poem in it based on the meanings of her three names.
With all that preparation, I was also clumsy and extremely nervous, making several "mistakes" that night. I spent almost $60 on an Uber because I didn't get ready in time to take the train from Bay Ridge to the restaurant, Kokomo in Greenpoint. I didn’t explicitly ask the receptionist for a table indoors, where the climate was optimal, speakers blared out an eclectic mix of colorful beats, and Black folks engaged in lively conversation. When we eventually made it inside at Blessing’s request, I ordered oxtails, a delicious but violent food that launches its consumer into a battle to rip meat from bone. There I was, stuck battling my food and my fear.
I didn't know what I was doing sitting across from this confident woman donning a fine dark blue dress — and I wouldn't change that for the world. The great tragedy of American society is that we've turned perfectionism into an idol and “having it all figured out” into an aspiration. We must elevate the importance of mistakes, vulnerability, and imperfection.
The science is clear about the damage of chasing perfection. Chasing perfection negatively impacts our self-esteem, stresses us out, causes depression, and paradoxically limits our productivity. The pursuit of perfectionism is destructive because our very nature as flawed humans makes perfection impossible. In the end, we mirror the Greek trickster Sisyphus, repeatedly rolling a boulder uphill for all eternity only to watch the stone fall as we near the mountaintop.
Though we recognize the impossibility of perfection, so many messages bombard us each day, encouraging us to seek what we’ll never be able to find. Social media is a Pandora’s box of mirages: luxurious vacations in Italy, the keys to a new dream home, $1 million earned in the first year of starting a business, tight waists, six-pack abs, and more. We have felt the weight of turning exceptional life developments into the norm. Experts have linked social media use to depression in both teens and adults and to an overall state of declining mental health for youth in America.
We must preach consistency and discipline, not perfection. Brooklyn-born former Knicks star Stephon Marbury once told The New Yorker that he was okay with losing games as a coach as long as his team lost in the right way, with players giving themselves a chance to win. He said that practice doesn’t make perfect, it makes permanent, and with consistency, a team can excel.
As a public relations director, I’m all too familiar with the need to dispel the myth of perfection. Constant failure is ingrained into my job. There are times when I’ll pitch tens of reporters at outlets in New York and across the nation — in hopes of having them incorporate my client’s announcements into a feature story — and only receive one response, let alone a message indicating interest. This failure pushes me to get creative, enhance my writing, personalize my pitches more effectively, and make other adjustments that increase my chances of pitching success in the future. Without failure, I wouldn’t grow, and that’s true for everyone.
Lastly, failures both large and small make for important stories to pass to the next generations. Will Smith’s infamous slap presents an opportunity to teach people about trauma, self-control, the perils of fame, and relationships. Jay-Z’s failure to buy properties in DUMBO before the value skyrocketed is a financial lesson for his kids. One day, I will tell my son to order salmon instead of oxtails on his first date. I will not share that information with shame, but with great joy and laughs. My son will be better off with the knowledge. Others will be better off when we shift societally to emphasize the peace, power, strength, and wisdom in imperfection.
James Seaton is a public relations director and resident of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.
