“Summer Summer Summer Time, COVID-19 On Your Mind”…yup, that’s the 2020 remix and for good reason! Regardless of what side of the mask issue you fall on, the specter of the virus is going to dominate the 4th of July weekend. Even if you run around with no mask, you’re still going to be THINKING about the fact that you’re running around with no mask.
If you play it better safe than sorry, you’ll likely be low key on the celebrations; but just in case you’re on the fence, here are my top 5 reasons to remain sane and follow mitigation measures during Independence Day weekend:
#5. YOU DON’T WANNA DIE BEFORE YOU SEE TRUMP OUT OF OFFICE
His presidency is NY Knicks bad. Lil Pump album bad. His presidency kinda feels like the Fyre Festival. He has more fuck ups than Jada Kiss got hot features. He’s done more than any other president to divide the nation, and his dog whistle signaled all of the racists to come out the closet and act in full glory, which also helped usher in the current climate of protests and demand for change. Don’t you wanna live to see him get voted out of office?
COVID-19 is quick! It kills faster than Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries marriage. You catch it July 4th weekend and you might not live to risk your life again on Labor Day Weekend. Trump’s gonna do a walk of shame from the White House, into that helicopter, glowing from defeat. You wanna miss that? Once you’re in the coffin you’ll miss it, unless of course, you’re a vampire, in which case none of this should concern you anyway!
#4. YOU’RE GONNA TURN EVERYWHERE INTO FLORIDA
Do you really wanna turn your town into Florida? It’s #PlatinumFacts that Florida is 730, exemplified by the existence of the Florida Man Challenge, but zeitgeist aside, that state is 50th in mental health funding per capita, which is sad. They were down there acting like COVID-19 was a hoax and now the state is a hotbed of cases.
The NBA resuming their season in Florida, while the state is running wild with COVID-19, is like doing an Airbnb with patient zero during the zombie apocalypse. It feels like the state is one outrageous event away from turning into a Netflix movie and I’m not talking rom-com. So you wanna risk turning your town into Florida just so you can get lit this weekend? C’mon son, you’re smarter than that. You’re definitely smarter than the NBA
#3. IF YOU GET COVID-19 PARTYING ON JULY 4TH WEEKEND, PEOPLE WILL CLOWN YOU
I mean, don’t expect 100% sympathy if you on social media partying over the July 4th weekend and then test positive for coronavirus.
The laughing will only stop if you actually die from COVID-19. I mean, right up to the ventilator, people are gonna call you a complete idiot. Definitely don’t start a Gofundme to offset any financial hardship you encounter from a case of coronavirus, if you contracted it after partying hard on July 4th weekend.
#2. YOU’LL BE HOMESCHOOLING AGAIN COME SEPTEMBER
Let’s face it, like most American’s you were straddling the fence on being a legit alcoholic before the pandemic, but you were functional and had boundaries. You weren’t doing three martini lunches like Don Draper and always went to work, where the earliest you started was happy hour. But boy could you put in work after work! The recent spate of homeschooling changed all that though! You were home all day, your kids were bad AF and you discovered that one was clearly not college material.
So that bottle of rosè you used to uncork in the evening is now getting tipped straight to the head in the afternoon! And by rosè, I really mean whiskey! If we lose sight of the long goal, then we risk repeating the quarantine, and your kids risk repeating the 6th grade. You can’t grasp middle school math and your kids are sugar addled bullies, but do you need to be reminded of that yet again? Reality bites, but don’t let it bite twice.
#1. DO YOU REALLY WANNA CELEBRATE AMERICA RIGHT NOW?
America hasn’t lived up to most of its promises. It never has and unless a lot more change is forced, it never will. You’re trying to party and run the streets and risk dying while you celebrate a country that doesn’t care about its people? Doesn’t care about YOU?
To read more stories by Richard Burroughs, visit his blog, “Uncontrollable Urges,” here.
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