By Michael Milton
Listening to Senator Mitch McConnell on television this morning–ironically, while I was on a gym treadmill– really got me steamed up, with the one positive effect that I increased both my speed and my endurance as I suffered your questionable screen presence.
I try not to write about what I havent experienced or seen for myself. For example, I would never attempt to gain any literary traction on the topic of Donald Trumps purported size (why hasnt anyone interviewed Melania on this? Or better yet, Marla Maples? Remember her?? I wonder if the The Donald does?) But, la, I digress.
The point is, since I have not had a firsthand sighting of his redwood, I will leave that revelation to some scorned runner up Miss Universe from a third world country which someone like, oh, Senator Mitch McConnell, say, has probably never heard of.
Which brings me to your use of the term lame duck. Gee, Im a veritable farmyard of points of reference today, arent I?
Open a dictionary, my man. Oh, wait. Did they not SELL Websters Dictionaries in your state, wherever that acreage exists, somewhere below the Mason Dixon, Im sure?
In that case, allow me to illuminate you. A lame duck is an elected official whose successor has already been elected. For President Obama, his official lame duck presidency wont begin until the results of our national election are in on November 8, 2016, and his presidency might be correctly referred to as lame duck until the morning when Hillary Clinton (or whoever) is sworn into office on Friday, January 20, 2017. (By the way, Mitch, has there ever been talk there in the senateon the days you DO show up to do some work–of re-instituting the Mason Dixon Line?) .
Maybe thats something you COULD get behind. Hey, I dont mean to put an idea into your head, especially since I dont get paid to do your work, do I Mitch? Apparently, you dont get paid to correctly utilize the English language and its accompanying slang, either.
So, Mitch, when you say you wont consider ANY candidates President Obama might chose for the Supreme Court (literally a revolutionary response, Mitch) to replace the late Justice Scalia, and your rationale is partly based on the proposition that we are in the midst of a lame duck period, Im sensing a bit of a gap in your understanding of this terminology.
So when I see you on tv, I just see an old guy who isnt doing his job, Mitch. You got elected by whatever constituency you have managed to cobble together down there in whatever state it is you hail from (I could Google that information, but Im just not that interested; after all, no ones paying me to know where you are from,) so perhaps your grand stand is for that group alone.
And, some of your salary is indeed paid by the taxpaying part of your constituency. But consider all the federal money your state must be receiving; money that figures into your salary, into highways and schools and who knows what all in your state; basically, money paid to a Senator TO DO HIS JOB!!! A job which includes, at the very minimum, meeting with the current Presidents suggestions for an appointee to the Supreme Court, even if it is just for appearances sake.
So, since Im paying for something Im not getting, I want to know how much of my tax money goes towards anything that has to do with you and/or your state. And Im going to withhold that amount from my taxes this year. Yup. Not payin it. Im just not. (See, this is another starting point when we flirt with the word revolution Mitch.)
Truth be told, you are the kid I couldnt stand in school. The prissy bully with some obscure power who insisted it be done HIS way
or not at all. You might actually know that there exists another definition of sheep; a person regarded as a protected follower of God. 
You may and I say Great. Then retire. Quit the Senate. Stop accepting my .75 cents in tax money and bleat your inaccuracies to your flock on your own dime. But you arent doing it on mine. Whatever down home corn pone you have shoved down the throats of your constituency in order for them to believe you are working in their favor or in for the favor of our great nation fine. (Anyone else rethinking the Mason Dixon Line yet?) Let your voters go on paying the bill for you.
But the voting on a Supreme Court nominee is a FEDERAL issue, Mitch. You DO know the definition of FEDERAL, dont you? Ill give you a hint its not the generic name of the pharmaceutical you take to maintain your cowered, lanolin-oily looks.)
And really, you havent been doing your job all along, have you Mitch? For 7 years you have, by all intents and purposes, this nations electorate has turned a blind eye as you have played like we didnt have a legally elected President with whom it was your responsibility to work with. You have just sat there amongst your well fed herd, chewing, eyes shut tight, waiting for the clock to tick out the last second of this administration, hoping for what?
What, indeed!
Mitchy, come on! What if I didnt do my job? What if I worked for a bakery and one day decided that I didnt want to serve the velvet cake anymore. Bad cake! Evil cake!! And the people who came to the bakery LIKED the velvet cake. What choice would my boss have? Either to put me in charge of the donuts (which werent nearly as good as the velvet cake and didnt sell as well) or, realistically, just fire my ass. And that is exactly what I propose we do to you.
Mitch, I ask you since you are SUCH an expert on the breadth and width of the Constitution, is there any legal way to fire a Senator for not doing his job? Or, better yet, what about a Senator who is obstructing justice and for that crime, being imprisoned? Seems like you are in a prison of your own making already, Mitchy, so I doubt the bars and the walls will register much in your ruminant brain, which is far too busy trying to figure out emotion in human expression.
Clearly, theres not much I can do. I have always paid my taxes, even when I didnt agree with all the ways my money was being spent. But now Ive drawn my own line in the sand. So there! Double dare you to do anything about that, Mitch!!
I love my country. I abhor chaos. People like you, Mitch, are too old or too spoiled or just too stupid to know how frightening revolutions can be, how spiritually exhausting chaos becomes. Have you taken a tour of the Middle Eastern nations, Mitchy? Thats what chaos can look like, cowpoke, and its not pretty.
As far as Im concerned, you are inciting revolution by your bold statement that you and your bros wont even sit down with the Supreme Court suggestion made by this lame duck presidency. And for that obstinacy, you ought to be ripped from the Senate floor and thrown into solitary, key tossed into the Mississippi (or whatever river flows near or through your state) and left to rot. This is often what has happened to unlucky revolutionaries throughout history. We only remember the revolutions with GOOD results .Americas, for instance. For every America, though, there are a dozen failed juntas and take-overs led furtively by the cowardly likes of you.
And here in America, Mitch, you are allowed, to an extent, to foment any cockeyed point of view you might harboreven if it seems to others to be revolutionary. In this country, we have the right to do that. And I say, bully or rather, in your case, baaaaahhhhh, for that freedom.
But not with my money. Not when you are MY employee. Serve the damn velvet cake, McConnell!
Lame duck, my ass.