By Michael Milton
Listening to Senator Mitch McConnell on television this morning--ironically, while I was on a gym treadmill-- really got me steamed up, with the one positive effect that I increased both my speed and my endurance as I suffered your questionable screen presence.
I try not to write about what I haven't experienced or seen for myself. For example, I would never attempt to gain any literary traction on the topic of Donald Trump's purported "size" (why hasn't anyone interviewed Melania on this? Or better yet, Marla Maples? Remember her?? I wonder if the The Donald does?) But, la, I digress.
The point is, since I have not had a firsthand sighting of his "redwood," I will leave that revelation to some scorned runner up Miss Universe from a third world country which someone like, oh, Senator Mitch McConnell, say, has probably never heard of.
Mitch, ("may I call you "Mitch?") I HAVE seen you with my own two eyes and I will report with no hesitancy that you look alarmingly like a recently sheared sheep. Not for nothing, Mitch, but did you know that a sheep is "
a quadrupedal ruminant mammal typically kept as livestock
frequently thought of as unintelligent
.but can differentiate emotional states through facial characteristics
." Hmmmmmm. Really? Watching you today revealed NO emotional state, so I'm left wondering how it would be possible for you to recognize, say, disgust in someone else's facial characteristics?
Which brings me to your use of the term "lame duck." Gee, I'm a veritable farmyard of points of reference today, aren't I?
Open a dictionary, my man. Oh, wait. Did they not SELL Webster's Dictionaries in your state, wherever that acreage exists, somewhere below the Mason Dixon, I'm sure?
In that case, allow me to illuminate you. A "lame duck" is an elected official whose successor has already been elected. For President Obama, his official "lame duck" presidency won't begin until the results of our national election are in on November 8, 2016, and his presidency might be correctly referred to as "lame duck" until the morning when Hillary Clinton (or whoever) is sworn into office on Friday, January 20, 2017. (By the way, Mitch, has there ever been talk there in the senate—on the days you DO show up to do some work--of re-instituting the Mason Dixon Line?) .
Maybe that's something you COULD get behind. Hey, I don't mean to put an idea into your head, especially since I don't get paid to do your work, do I Mitch? Apparently, you don't get paid to correctly utilize the English language and its accompanying slang, either.
So, Mitch, when you say you won't consider ANY candidates President Obama might chose for the Supreme Court (literally a revolutionary response, Mitch) to replace the late Justice Scalia, and your rationale is partly based on the proposition that we are in the midst of a "lame duck" period, I'm sensing a bit of a gap in your understanding of this terminology.
So when I see you on tv, I just see an old guy who isn't doing his job, Mitch. You got elected by whatever constituency you have managed to cobble together down there in whatever state it is you hail from (I could Google that information, but I'm just not that interested; after all, no one's paying me to know where you are from,) so perhaps your grand stand is for that group alone.
And, some of your salary is indeed paid by the taxpaying part of your constituency. But consider all the federal money your state must be receiving; money that figures into your salary, into highways and schools and who knows what all in your state; basically, money paid to a Senator TO DO HIS JOB!!! A job which includes, at the very minimum, meeting with the current President's suggestions for an appointee to the Supreme Court, even if it is just for appearance's sake.
So, since I'm paying for something I'm not getting, I want to know how much of my tax money goes towards anything that has to do with you and/or your state. And I'm going to withhold that amount from my taxes this year. Yup. Not payin' it. I'm just not. (See, this is another starting point when we flirt with the word "revolution" Mitch.)
Truth be told, you are the kid I couldn't stand in school. The prissy bully with some obscure power who insisted it be done HIS way
or not at all. You might actually know that there exists another definition of "sheep;" a person regarded as a protected follower of God. 
Are you under the illusion that this person would be you? In your own Bible, there are fine examples of wonderful judges and wise men and good and generous followers of God. Do you dare to believe you are one of them? Do you think you are standing up to some holy injustice right now, Mitch, by refusing to do your job?
You may and I say "Great." Then retire. Quit the Senate. Stop accepting my .75 cents in tax money and bleat your inaccuracies to your flock on your own dime. But you aren't doing it on mine. Whatever down home corn pone you have shoved down the throats of your constituency in order for them to believe you are working in their favor or in for the favor of our great nation fine. (Anyone else rethinking the Mason Dixon Line yet?) Let your voters go on paying the bill for you.
But the voting on a Supreme Court nominee is a FEDERAL issue, Mitch. You DO know the definition of FEDERAL, don't you? I'll give you a hint it's not the generic name of the pharmaceutical you take to maintain your cowered, lanolin-oily looks.)
And really, you haven't been doing your job all along, have you Mitch? For 7 years you have, by all intents and purposes, this nation's electorate has turned a blind eye as you have played like we didn't have a legally elected President with whom it was your responsibility to work with. You have just sat there amongst your well fed herd, chewing, eyes shut tight, waiting for the clock to tick out the last second of this administration, hoping for what?
What, indeed!
Mitchy, come on! What if I didn't do my job? What if I worked for a bakery and one day decided that I didn't want to serve the velvet cake anymore. Bad cake! Evil cake!! And the people who came to the bakery LIKED the velvet cake. What choice would my boss have? Either to put me in charge of the donuts (which weren't nearly as good as the velvet cake and didn't sell as well) or, realistically, just fire my ass. And that is exactly what I propose we do to you.
Mitch, I ask you since you are SUCH an expert on the breadth and width of the Constitution, is there any legal way to fire a Senator for not doing his job? Or, better yet, what about a Senator who is obstructing justice and for that crime, being imprisoned? Seems like you are in a prison of your own making already, Mitchy, so I doubt the bars and the walls will register much in your ruminant brain, which is far too busy trying to figure out emotion in human expression.
Clearly, there's not much I can do. I have always paid my taxes, even when I didn't agree with all the ways my money was being spent. But now I've drawn my own line in the sand. So there! Double dare you to do anything about that, Mitch!!
I love my country. I abhor chaos. People like you, Mitch, are too old or too spoiled or just too stupid to know how frightening revolutions can be, how spiritually exhausting chaos becomes. Have you taken a tour of the Middle Eastern nations, Mitchy? That's what chaos can look like, cowpoke, and it's not pretty.
As far as I'm concerned, you are inciting revolution by your bold statement that you and your bros won't even sit down with the Supreme Court suggestion made by this "lame duck" presidency. And for that obstinacy, you ought to be ripped from the Senate floor and thrown into solitary, key tossed into the Mississippi (or whatever river flows near or through your state) and left to rot. This is often what has happened to unlucky revolutionaries throughout history. We only remember the revolutions with GOOD results .America's, for instance. For every America, though, there are a dozen failed juntas and take-overs led furtively by the cowardly likes of you.
And here in America, Mitch, you are allowed, to an extent, to foment any cockeyed point of view you might harbor—even if it seems to others to be revolutionary. In this country, we have the right to do that. And I say, bully or rather, in your case, "baaaaahhhhh," for that freedom.
But not with my money. Not when you are MY employee. Serve the damn velvet cake, McConnell!
Lame duck, my ass.
