The Brooklyn Nets have yet to win a game this season, standing at 0-7 in the eastern conference and are in such a shambles. It’s enough to make me think that the owner, Mikhail Prokhorov, is really a mole for Russian president Vladimir Putin, hell-bent on destroying the team and striking at the heart of our borough, city and country. Yes, the team is so bad, they’ve officially created an international situation!
Perhaps my thinking is being influenced by the James Bond movie, Spectre. Or maybe it’s the TV show Quantico, and its ridiculously hot star, Priyanka Chopra. But I can’t imagine that it’s only pure ineptitude behind the total destruction of the Brooklyn Nets and their foreseeable future. Only international machinations can be responsible for such atrocious team management. I know, I know, Prokhorov ran as an opposition candidate against Putin in the 2012 Russian election, so it would appear that they’re not working together. Yet, that could also be the seeds of their long game, the set-up for their subterfuge.
It’s a real possibly that this year’s Brooklyn Nets may eclipse the current NBA record of 18 consecutive losses, without a victory, to start the NBA season. This would normally be good news for the team that currently holds such a dubious distinction. But in this case, the current team is… the New Jersey Nets. Taking the crown from yourself for being horrible is like the bizarro world example of catching lightening in a bottle. It’s like getting your cousin pregnant, twice. Ironically, if it happens, it will be against the Knicks, at Madison Square Garden, on December 4th. The franchise drove their struggle bus right over the Brooklyn bridge, from New Jersey, to take a serious stab at pure awfulness and it’s been a few years in the making.
They struck out on a trade for Carmelo, got shut down by Lebron and all the sexier names in that 2010 free agent class, and then acted like drunk dudes when the club is closing, determined to take somebody home for the 2011 season… and that somebody ended up being point guard Deron Williams. Big disappointment would accurately describe his tenure with the Nets.
Then, the team comically traded for Joe Johnson, to help convince Deron Williams to stay in town, when D-Wills was looking for a new contract, which is like treating a staph infection with syphilis. Like putting out a fire with curl activator. Joe Johnson is getting $24.9 million this year, although he hasn’t dunked a basketball since those Obama “Hope” posters were everywhere. The only thing he’s jamming these days is the Nets’s salary cap.
I won’t get into the Gerald Wallace deal, where the draft pick the Nets traded away, ended up being Damien Lillard.
Though the Nets got the raw deal on those aforementioned horrible trades, they topped it off with the Boston massacre, which consisted of sending the immediate future of the franchise, in the form of first round draft picks, to the Celtics for Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. In real life, Pierce and Garnett are not old dudes, but in basketball years, those guys are troglodytes. Garnett is so old, he was in the league for the entirety of Michael Jordan’s second three-peat.
In the ultimate schadenfreude, the Boston Celtics are joyous about the Nets’s horrible start to this season, since they own the Nets 1st round picks, from 2016-2-18. Perhaps the Nets should stop playing for the next three years and simply go on hiatus. They stink now, and all that awfulness is only gonna benefit Boston. They’re capped out, and even when Joe Johnson’s contract comes off the books, attracting a franchise changer to come to Barclays Center will be difficult, because the franchise is in shambles. In fact, Prokhorov has killed his investment, which as a billionaire businessman, just makes no sense. So my only deduction is that he’s a mole for Putin and trying to take the team down.
On second thought, Prokhorov may not care about his basketball team winning (or getting any respect), because the Barclays Center is literally printing money. Booking Beyonce and circus clowns is big business, and with the recent addition of the Nassau Coliseum to his portfolio (which is rumored to be the future home of the Nets D-League team in 2016-2017) the plan may very well still be unfolding!
Or maybe he’ll bring a team of Russian super-players to Brooklyn, to save the day. Not wiry guys like Andrei Kirilenko, but a team full of players like the fictional Drago, from Rocky IV, who are ultimate players in every way. Yeah, maybe that’s the answer.